White Trash Holiday--The Best Christmas Carol. Ever.

White Trash Holiday by Abstrakt Intellekt

CHORUS:

Everybody in the place throw your hands in the air

If you're broke as f--- or just don't care

If your bar tab costs more than your rent

And ya car is sittin on blocks of cement

And if ya get drunk and like to beat on ya b----

If the front of your house has got a trailer hitch

If you smoke weed on your porch all day

This ones' for you

It's a White Trash Holiday

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VERSE 1:

Go on sell tones in ya white wife beater

Crack a brew and put on some Bob Segar

Find a chick in some tight ass pants

drink 'til ya forget ya dont know how dance

Call ya boys and ya rowdy-ass friends

And tell em that tonite we getting drunk again

We gonna party til the break of dawn

and wake up tomorrow morning at get ya drunk on

it don't matter if ya rich or poor

if ya a classy b----- or just a filthy whore

if ya smoke w--- or just chew tobacco

if ya a ritzy type or just a plain cracka'

if live in Hazel Park in a trailer

Or if ya got a big house in Taylor

ya white trash and ya just gotta face it

don't be embarrased be proud and embrace it

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CHORUS

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VERSE 2:

To all the girls who do drugs and have unprotected sex

and get their nails done with their child support checks

To guys that drink beer not henny and remmy

pull up to a stop light and like "yo that got a hemi?"

To redneck dudes who get drunk and make racial slurs

you can getcha more cops n tank tops and facial blurs

To the chicks who have kids with these white trash scrubs

Who drop 'em of a mom's at nites and go to clubs

To the kids who grew up poor who thought they were rich

In a double wide trailer with a satellite dish

Cuz even though I come up rappin and payin dues

i still love barbeques and wrastlin' pay-per views

So call all ya slutty aunts and all ya drunk uncles

throw on your truckin' caps and biggest belt buckles

take a day off work and enjoy the celebration

cuz tonite we gonna party like Clinton's inaguration

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CHORUS

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VERSE 3:

Ya got mac 'n cheese and black 'n white tvs

Porkchops and greens with extra grease

Big grease 'n; smoky cheese and

Barbequin' no matter what the season

Cornbread and black eye'd peas

Getting drunk 'n fightin for no reason

We aint leavin; we here to stay

So throw ya hands in the air it's white trash holiday

Everybody in the place throw ya hands to the stars

If ya smoke w---- and watch Nascar

If ya favorite bar is in ya own backyard

If ya ever try buy a beer with ya bridge card

If ya plant ya w--- and put down a bed line

And ya don't feel right without a bar fight

If ya had a kid but ya girls not literate

If ya put ya '86 on 20 inch spinners

If ya twist caps instead a poppin' the bottles

If ya think of Penthouse is getting close to a model

If ya dropped outta school for a GED

and ya glad ya VD's not HIV

If ya hate ya folks and ready to clash

If ya hit the bar to get cream for ya rash

Ya can be white trash don't have to be white

So take ya bottles to the store

we gonna party tonite

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CHORUS 2x

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I put the "G" in "Genius".

Once I fill you in on my weekend, you will understand why.

*Friday. If you see Roommate's comment on my last post, you will note that she mentioned we had not made any plans. We really never did. However, we decided to be proactive, because we heard that there was a large ice storm headed our way, due to hit midday Saturday and basically keep us in our apartment all day. We decided to go to the grocery store to gather "survival gear". What did our gear consist of?

1. One bottle Smirnoff Citris Vodka

2. One bottle Bacardi Coconut Rum

3. One bottle of Strawberry mix

4. One bottle of Pina Colada Mix

5. A container of sour cream [with which to make French Onion Dip]

6. Oodles of goodies from the frozen food section, including 5 boxes of Hot Pockets :-)

7. Two bags of Chex Mix: original and cocoa styles.

8. One bottle of Ranch dressing. Because Ranch is amazing on anything.

Obviously, we assumed this would be enough, added with important tools already in our arsenal:

1. One partial bottle of UV Blue, complete with a gallon of Hawaiian Lemon Berry Punch

2. One partial box of Franzia boxed wine--White Zinfandel. Two classy wine glasses were purchased seperately.

3. One-third bag of Ruffles. To go with the dip. This was not nearly enough.

4. A vast DVD collection to occupy us through the storm

5. Blank CDs, with which to make more amazing mixes, to follow up the "J-Philly's Ghetto-fab, Pimp-tastic, X-mas Mix", and Ashley's "Lean Like a Chollo- Hot, Hott Sex Mix".

Upon our return home, we decided to tap into our rations just a bit, and lay back for the evening. Mom and Heather came buy, and Mom finished the rest of my chips. [as I said, 1/3 of a bag was an err in judgement on my part]. I state this because when I hungry later in the evening I had to use the CRAPPY chips, but that's okay, because Mom gave a coupon to Maurices which I plan to use as soon as this PMS bloat subsides. So we even.

*Saturday. It was already raining and sleeting when I awoke, so I decided to be domestic. I washed the dishes, scrubbed the stove and even took out the burners and did the same to them. I cleaned the bathroom. Roomate was domestic too, and did laundry, mopped the kitchen and took out the trash. Our place looked very, very classy. We had all of this done before Noon!!!

Contented with a hard mornings work, we sat back for the afternoon and started to watch some TV--MTVs Return to Fat Camp. The power was flickering at this point due to the severe weather, but we didn't worry too much because it always came back on. We took turns checking the window, watching our stupid neighbors try to get into their ice-covered vehicles. Silly people.

Sometime around 1:30pm, we lost power. It didn't come back. Thankfully, the laptop has a battery, but we both knew this had little power left. Ashley was brilliant and decided that cooke dough sounded tasty, so we made some and began to consume, with the three candles we owned at the time sheading little light for us. Eventually we began to realize that the power wasn't going to come back right away, and our three little candles would not help us much when it got dark--and darkness was approaching. Being the brave soul that I am, I put on some warm clothes, and trooped out to brave the elements and purchase us candles so we could see.

Obviously we missed this on our original list of survival gear. This is why one should always proofread.

It took me about 15 minutes to de-ice my car enough to see. Maybe more like 20 minutes. I started to head to the nearest [and extrememly overpriced] grocery store, but there was a really bad accident--we're talking shooting flames and lots of fire trucks--so I turned around and hopped on the interstate instead.

When I reached the store I searched for the candles--I saw some skinny ones in an 8 pack, and they were definitely the best value. But of course, the store would not sell candle holders. Go figure. I did a lot of thinking before I came up with probably the best idea ever. I grabbed two 8 packs, in addition to a few nice scented candles, and was off to pick up some dinner for me and Ash, and then headed back to the apartment.

The result of my brainstorm?

I call it my "White Trash Menorah"

Why I be the way I be

So, my second blog in one day. Now, do not be getting all excited or anything; this will not be a regular occurence. But, somehow there was a major error made in the computer system that I use at work, so now I basically get to sit on my butt and look good for the next 3 hours. So, a bloggin' I shall go.

The title of this blog is the "Classiest Piece of White Trash You Will Ever Meet". When registering my account, this was actually the first thing that came to mind. Those who know me probably think this is a dead-on description, but for those of you cyber-strangers this might not make sense, especially since I have no profile information filled in descibing myself, and my profile picture is skanky-ish, but not very trashy [although notice the camo gear!]

Here are some things that others have used to remind me that I am White-Trash:

*My house is surrounded by cornfields. Now, this doesn't necessarily make one white trash. But, a rural setting is where you will find about 90% of the nations rednecks, and 60% of white-trash citizens.

*My father. Love him dearly as I do, he is a true redneck. As you can see by my profile photo, I am a redhead. I get this from him. He has a big, bright, orange beard. His standard uniform of dress is a pair of Wrangler jeans and a Flannel shirt, complete with a baseball cap of some sort--usually a camo one. Even though my fathers works at the nuclear power station a la Homer Simpson [I will save their similarities for another blog] he still engages in various redneck activies.

An avid hunter, we have a seperate freezer in our basement devoted just to storing game meat. There are 2 dear racks, 5 turkey fans, and two fish on the walls of my basement. Growing up, it was not unusual for me to pull my car into the garage and see a recently slaughtered deer hanging upside down from the ceiling, tongue out and all.
Because my father is such a sportsman, I have grown to love the taste of wild meats. I have consumed deer, moose, squirrel, frog, various aquatic creatures, wild turkey, phesant, and probably many other animals that I was not aware of. I salivate at the thought of deer jerky.

*My lack of standards: As my lovely roomate Ash constantly reminds me, my standards are much, much lower than her own. Granted, this girl has some very high standards--she's very classy.

Boozery: I believe that an liquer tastes great with coke. Tequila and coke? Tasty--and even though Ashley won't admit it, she sure slammed it that night I made it for her. I like beer. I will drink any kind of beer, but I am choosy as to what beer I drink and when. Bud products are acceptable for drinking for pleasure. However, Busch and Keystone are only acceptable for drinking games, where I will not feel ashamed if I spill [although I will still lick it up] Old Style and Milwaukee's Best are old man beers, and PBR basically means I'm broke and this is all I can afford. See? That's one area where the classy in me comes in. I also enjoy me a good Heineken [the hollander beer!]

Eating: I am not a picky eater. I will put just about anything in my mouth. There are very few foods that I do not like. Banannas, for example. I love the bananna flavor, and I will eat things such as bananna bread and bananna candy, but I will not eat an actual bananna. Something about the squishy texture makes me feel uncomfortable. I also do not like cold salads--such as pasta salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, and coleslaw. Again, the cold, slimy texture. Ewww...
Food I cannot live without: Potato chips and french onion dip, cottage cheese, milk, wheat bread, deer jerky, kool-aid/tang, tuna fish, catfish, pop-tarts, lucky charms, oreos, and peanut butter. We already discussed my love of wild meats, so I think we will just leave that alone.

People I Associate With: I love people. I also try not to just people. So, if you are a toothless slackjaw named Cletus, and you make me laugh, you are cool in my book. I am not always a good judge of character--bascially, I'm just looking for someone to have a good time with [and not in the sexual way]. Which means occassionaly I hang out with people I should not. Thankfully Ash doesn't let me bring them back to the apartment!

My Ideas of Fun: Include drinking, mischef making, driving around, shopping sometimes [again, the classy rearing it's head!], being crafty, and anything athletic. For fun, my friends and I would often have a bonfire and just get tanked. Sometimes we would drive around the country roads and see if we could get lost. To really challenge ourselves, we would wander in the cornfields and do the same thing. I have been hunting before. And I love to fish--I think it is actually very relaxing. I love townie bars--don't give me that dance club shit. Sure, every so often I am in the mood to go out and go dancing, but even then it's usually at the "alternative livestyle" clubs. Give me that bar with beer lights, more flannel on the patrons than on the shelves at Paul's, Cabella's signs on the walls, and at least one stuffed animal mounted on the wall.

...This will need to be continued later. My system is back up and going!!!